So this is the deal. Being the founder of Zen Woman carries an accountability factor of walking the walk, not just talking the talk. It means living the life of moving toward the zen or elevated lifestyle authentically, not just creating the appearance of it. Some call it being “the way,” an example for others to follow or witness. Sometimes that requires what I call a recalibration process (which is why this “April” blog post is essentially a month late and being published in May). I equate it to being a caterpillar entering a chrysalis and emerging anew as a beautiful butterfly. It’s a process of rebirth and renewal that found me all of April and ironically just in time for Spring. In fact, Spring showed up with a powerful bang, literally to the head as a concussion caused by a serious rear end collision. It was a mortality wake up call that I find happens sometimes to cause us to stop, evaluate and revisit what we truly value. I looked at what I valued, especially myself, and I realized it all starts within my heart center. Even if it meant this beautiful project had to go dormant for a few weeks, I know I am worth the healing. So, no, I’m not going to beat myself up or apologize for going MIA. I own it and love myself more now, having emerged finally from the cocoon. But, thank you for your patience.
What I came to realize during this incubation is that if I’m not in balance, seeped in self-love like a good Darjeeling, or out of alignment in any capacity, I can’t illustrate that in any area of my life. So, this past month I was forced to stop, receive and heal at all costs, because I have not been allowing for that and it was time. It started actually in March with a serious flu, first with a sore throat, then morphing into laryngitis (so I could no longer verbally process my feelings and speak them into form I realized). Then there was a congested nose from hell and a nice cough to just throw some whip cream on that already snotty sundae. I know, gross visual, sorry for that. But, the soup of the chrysalis is equal to mucus, and it just feels like you’ll never escape it or fully detox from it sometimes. There is a release of our legs, what we can count on as support and then we just turn into what looks like a total mess. That was my life for most of March and into April. Still, even with a cold I managed to design and build from square one an entire website (more to be revealed on that in good time) and so yep, no allowance for me to just stop and rest.
That would all change as I sat in the back of an Uber-managed Prius. The real catalyst from the rear came plowing into my sacrum and back, with whiplash and a nice bump to the top of the head coding in new potential blueprints. Oh, and then within a week my cold returned with a vengeance, complete with round two of laryngitis…just to make sure I had gotten the message to stop speaking. Yep, well received with two exclamation points and a lightening bolt emoji.
What you may not know about a concussion, even a minor one, is you can’t look at any kind of screen – that includes computers, smartphones and televisions – for at least a week. You also can’t drive or do anything that requires much focus or brainpower. Yep, I was literally forced to let all the doing go and surrender to the being fully. So, April was a turning point. A letting go of the old Stephanie operating system that ran 24/7 just because and an emergence of Stephanie 5.0, what I call the “Surrender” platform. It was the version of me I’ve been seeking to upgrade to for quite some time, but didn’t have all the bugs worked out yet to go into full release so to speak.
You’ll find as you get to know me that I like to bring things back to technology, especially conscious evolution. It’s just what most of us can relate to. We are conscious super computers of heart and mind in many ways, and we live our lives driven by an artificial intelligence that seems to be expanding by the minute. We are deeply entangled with this artificial reality via our cell phones and iPads and computers and GPS systems and all the rest, feeling more connected and still disconnected all at once. Gotta love this playground called life. We are fully reliant on apps to tell us things we didn’t even know we needed to know and have become so reliant on Siri and Google that they are like extended family. A girlfriend of mine even jokes how she’s in relationship with Alexa, the Siri-like device from Amazon that tells her jokes and plays her Lionel Richie songs instead of telling her it loves her. Yes, I’m serious.
Which I find very telling in that the most powerful force of love at least can’t be tampered with, even by tech geeks. Its like they know you just don’t tread on that sacred ground. Maybe because while they sit in front of their terminals, programming the latest mind trap to enslave us further to the machines or simply connect us, they secretly wish a gorgeous woman was straddling them and moaning love grenades into their ear instead. Then they could steal her away to a deserted island and live on coconuts and fish off the grid of insanity. No matter how much shows up to distract us from love, especially technology, the heart always knows how to hack the system and it wants what it wants. And usually gets it I might add.
Unless of course its been forced into silence like mine was for most of my life. To be completely honest, I held a deep seeded belief that I didn’t deserve not only to love or be loved, but to even be alive. I felt abandoned in many ways and for good reason, so in my opinion any man would ultimately leave. Which caused wonderfully creative methods of self-sabotaging behavior, because I might as well push them out the door if they are going to walk out eventually anyway, right? Then of course I also felt my feelings didn’t matter, what I wanted wasn’t as important, there was always someone else’s needs that held precedent. I was a typical people pleaser, wanting to make others happy so that they would just love me a little bit. I wasn’t even asking for the whole enchilada, because again, I didn’t believe I deserved that. I was your textbook martyr-savior, unwilling to get in the lifeboat myself and I thought all of this was normal. It was my normal at least.
Let’s pause here for a second. I’m not telling you any of this for sympathy or because I’m feeling sorry for myself, just to be clear. I’m sharing this because I believe this is a syndrome that plagues the feminine nature, and I want women (or emotionally connected men) to know they are not alone. I also want us all to know that as we move through our journey of elevating consciousness, we discover more layers of gunk to clear out that we think we resolved a long time ago. It seems sometimes like this endless pit of discovery and shadow work that just doesn’t seem to have a bottom. Maybe it doesn’t. Maybe we are destined to always bring shadows into light as part of who we are and why we’re here. I’ll have to get back to you on that one.
Meanwhile, what I do know in this moment is that the wormhole or black hole of endless discovery is our actual heart. Not just the physical hub, but really the emotional feeling or “heart matrix” that is woven throughout us within each cell of our body. I’ll be exploring its spiritual technology more in in Part Two of this blog post, but this one serves as a foundation to that. So, see you in a few days…